“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film."

There's a New Sheriff in Town

and her badge reads : MOM!

I admit it, I am the Queen of Empty Threats. I can't tell you how many times I've threatened to sell my kids to ebay or busted out the world's largest wooden spoon and threatened to paddle their tushies.

Every time my boys would run amuck, I'd pull something new out or my arsenal. Like, "If you don't settle down and BE QUIET while I'm driving, then I am going to pull over and make you walk!" Or,this next one, which I stole from my mother-in-law, and is one of my all time favorites, "Stop hitting your brother! Because if you can't keep your hands to yourself, then I am going to rip them off and beat you with their bloody ends!"


I know what you're thinking, If it didn't work on her or her husband, when they were kids, then why on earth would she think it would work on her kids? I often wonder the same thing, but hey, let's be honest, my sanity, along with all my reason and logic flew out the window a long time ago.

There are days when I feel like I spend hours on end screaming, in what I think is my scary voice, at my little band of trouble. Only to be overrun every time. At my wit's end, I went to the Bear, to seek advice. All he has to do is roar once and our bandits fall straight into formation.

"I don't understand why the kids listen to you and not me?" I whined.

Without even glancing my way the Bear casually answered, "Because you don't intimidate them, they don't take you seriously. They're boys and you're the Mom. I was the same way." He went on in a tone that suggested that I should already know this.

Defensive, I responded, "What do I mean I don't intimidate them? I think I sound scary, when I yell. I'd be scared if I were them!"

Again, in a tone that suggested that he couldn't even believe that he was having to explain this to me, the Bear quickly knocked me off my horse and casually told me, "You don't sound scary, just annoying."

I was taken aback, and a little hurt. I really did want to believe that I could lay down the law with my kids and be taken seriously. So, I devised a new plan. No more screaming. I would simply state the problem, address it, and take action, no more empty threats.

I seized the first opportunity I could to roll out my new plan.

I was on the phone the other day, when the Destroyer came over to me and rudely interrupted, pointing to the phone, "Mommy, I say hi?"

I excused myself from my conversation, "Honey, you're being rude. Mommy's on the phone with someone you don't know."

Momentarily satisfied by my answer, the Destroyer started to walk away, until a light when off in his head, "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! Mommy, I say hi?"

Again, I told him that I was having a conversation with someone that he didn't know and I asked him for some privacy while I talked, a foreign concept to the Destroyer. The badgering continued relentlessly. I once again excused myself from the phone to address his unyielding behavior.

I knelt down next to the Destroyer and looked him straight in the eye and sternly said, "You are being very rude and you need to go to your room, NOW!"

"I don't want to go to my room!" he cried.

Trying to keep my cool and not scream, I channeled my inner HULK, "You need to stop before you make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry."

This stopped the Destroyer's tears mid stream and he looked up at me and asked, "Why Mommy, you going to turn green?"

I couldn't help but laugh, looks like this Sheriff has been run out of town again.

I Can Fly! I Can Fly!

"All it takes is faith and trust!"- Peter Pan

Occasionally, my boys go on treasure hunts in our attic, sifting through my reserve of stuff that I basically wish would disappear, but I don't have the heart to throw away, because someone has given it to my kids as a gift, like Moon Sand and Flubber. Yes ,they are as messy as they sound and my troops don't need any extra help in that department. They are ruinous enough on their own.

On the Destroyer's most recent rummage through the attic, he found a set of fairy wings. (Which, my aunt picked up on clearance a few years ago and gave to me; I think she figured that at the rate I was popping out babies that one was bound to be a girl.) The Destroyer was tickled by his find. The wings matched his new wand perfectly.

That night the Destroyer showed off his new wings for the Bear. To my surprise the Bear didn't growl at the sight of his son in fairy wings whirling his purple magic wand around. Instead, he picked the Destroyer up and helped him fly around our family room. The Destroyer was truly lost in flight as he started shouting, "Throw me Daddy! Throw me! I can fly!"

At this point the Bear lost his composure to a fit of laughter. "I'm not throwing you! You'll kill yourself!"

To which the General chimed in, "Yea, you can't fly you don't have any fairy dust!"

I don't know which gives me happier thoughts, my boys wild and fantasic imginations or the Bear's acceptence of them...fairy wings and all.

Kids Say the Darndest Things...

My troops latest number definitely warrants them a place in Bill Cosby's hall of toddler fame.

We were recently at Disney World enjoying our family vacation, when duty called. The General desperately needed to use the latrine, so the Bear took him to do his business. No sooner does the Bear disappear, when my other two mouseketeers decide that they too have to relieve themselves. So we head off to the restroom.

After my guys were done, I figure that I better make use of the facility as well. So, there I am hovering over the toilet when the Destroyer asks, in the loudest voice possible, "Mommy where's your pee-pee?"

To which the Tank responds, "Mommy doesn't have a pee-pee. She pees out her butt!"

That's the BEST FRIEND'S Job

"A good friend will come bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying..."Damn that was fun!" - unknown

A statement so meaningful that even my 6 year old gets it.

The other day the General exited his school bus with a sour look on his face. "What's with the puss?" I asked jokingly.

The General followed up my question with one of his own, "How come you never let me bring toys to school?"

"Well, because toys don't belong at school. They belong at home." I answered.

"But, Ralphie brings his toys to school!" voiced the General.

All that I could come up with was, "If Ralphie jumped off a bridge would you do it too?"

Without hesitation the General answered, "Yes!"

I was actually shocked by his answer; after all, I call my first born the General for a reason. He is a leader by nature, not a follower.

"General, I was trying to make a point. You don't have to do something just because one of your friends is doing it."

To which the General responded, "Mommy if I don't jump after Ralphie, who will help him up?"

Man is he good. And he actually does have a point. I can recall many of times following my friends into danger, purely to help them emerge unscathed, of course!

Job Opening

After my refusal to turn the Tank's inside-out Darth Vader costume the right way, the Tank walked over to me, frustrated and irritated. Then, in his most Donald like voice, told me, "Mom you're FIRED!"

I was shocked, "Fired? You can't fire me, I'm the boss!"

"Fine. Then you're grounded," quipped the Tank.

I couldn't help but laugh, "Sorry, can't ground me either."

Annoyed the Tank asked, "Why?"

"For the same reason you can't fire me...I'm the boss!"

Totally unsatisfied by my answer, the Tank demanded a new boss.

Seeing as how I don't know many people willing to take on my troops, at least not without reinforcements, I was feeling pretty confident in my job security. I even agreed to help the Tank create a job posting.

Mom Wanted.
Job Duties include but are not limited to:
Must ensure that all our costumes are turned right side out at all times, especially Darth Vader. Must be able to locate all our toy's missing limbs, on demand; and must be able to successfully reattach them them. Must let us eat what we want, when we want, even though it has been proven that we turn into Gremlins, when fed after 8pm. No bed times, EVER! Not to worry though, we've never stayed up for more than 18 hours straight.

After reviewing his want ad, the tank wanted to know what I was going to do with it.

"Well, I guess we should post it, and see if we have anyone interested in the job," I told him.

It's been about a month and The Tank is still awaiting his first applicant.

Mom isn't ALWAYS Right...

It's hard for me to admit, but I'm not ALWAYS right, except for 99% of the time! And it's that 1% that the Bear remembers the most...

Except for lately it's more like 2% and that 2% is definitely riding on my hubby's side. Believing that I have a tendency to jump into false hysteria, the Bear has dubbed me the Chicken Little of the family.

But in my defense, I believe that most moms would become distressed if their kid's front tooth was kicked out of his head, by his menacing brother.

After noticing what looked like a shard of tooth left in the gum, (it was kind of hard to be sure through all the blood) I became alarmed and called the dentist. Of course not being able to see the gum and tooth over the phone, the dentist wanted me to bring the General in to be examined.

I called the Bear in a panic, saying that he needed to take the General to the dentist. I explained the whole tooth kicking incident and insisted that he bring the General to get checked out because it looks like a piece of the tooth might be stuck in the gum.

After listening to my recap of events, the Bear calmly asked," Was it a baby tooth that was knocked out?"

"Yes! But I think part of it is still in the gum!" I replied.

To which he Bear followed up with, "Are you sure it's not the new tooth popping through?"

"Hmm, I'm not sure. That's why I want you to take him to the dentist to find out!"

I could hear the annoyance and restrain the the Bear's voice, "Is this going to be like the time I paid $90 for the Dr. to tell me that the kids had bug bites, which you insisted were the chicken pox?"

God, I hate it when he's right!

When I Grow Up...

Every kid dreams about what they want to be when they get older. My boys have already started their "When I grow up list..."

The General wants to build houses with the Bear during the week and on the weekends he wants to be a super hero, so he can "rid the world of punks!"

The Tank wants to be a Fireman, build houses, fix snowmobiles, and change car tires.

And the Destroyer, who is the biggest brute of them all, wants to be a princess, and if that doesn't work out, then he'll settle for being Glenda, a good witch.

I keep assuring the Bear that if the Destroyer is anything like me, he's got nothing to worry about.

When I was little I use to dream of being the lead drummer/singer in a rock band. I thought I was going to be the next Don Henley. Until I realized that I didn't carry a musical note in my body.

When I realized that music wasn't my forte and sports was, I decided I'd be a pro football player. I was going to be the next Dan Marino. Until I realized that the NFL doesn't take five foot three inch girls that are afraid to get hit.

When music and sports didn't work out I needed to figure out what I was good at, that's when I turned to my folks for guidance.

"What am I good at?" I asked them.

To which my parents honestly responded, "relentless talking."

Great, I think I'll go in to politics. I'll put my chops to good use and help change the world. For about the next 12 years, I aspired to be the first female president of the United States. This dream lasted until I went off to college and sat through my first Poli-Sci class and realized that there were more relentless talkers out there besides me, and I couldn't tolerate people that differed in opinion so drastically from my own.

For the first time in my life I wasn't sure what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had no direction, no clear plan. All the while my parents continued to support me as I tested the waters. They supported all my phases that were to follow, my art/photography phase, when I wanted to be the next Margret Burke White; they supported my computer phase; the list continued to grow through college.

Even when I graduated from college, I was still clueless as to what I wanted to do with my life.

It wasn't until I got married and started my own band of trouble that I found my true passion in life. Being a Mom is the one job that I never thought I'd ever want, but it's the most fun, the most rewarding and the most fulfilling job I could do. I only hope that I'm as patient and supportive with my kids as my parents were with me.

Now if I could just get paid for doing it, it would be PERFECT!